Holidays - 12/25/20

This is what an invisible injury looks like. My accident happened two years, nine months and fifteen days ago. Sure, I can talk about it casually. But I still can’t REALLY talk about it without crying. The term “traumatic brain injury” wasn’t something I ever thought too much about pre-accident. It was something that happened to people in stories in the news, it was something that happened to people in the movies. It never occurred that it was something that could happen to me. And then it did.

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Holidays. I LOVE them, Christmas in particular. But since my accident they’ve been very different for me. The last two have been all about survival. Avoiding large family gatherings, and if I did attend, it was fake “normalcy” until I couldn’t take it anymore (headache, head pressure, ear pressure, neck pain, eye pain, extreme fatigue/cognitive fatigue, stimulation overload which would usually result in sobbing for no apparent reason) and had to go in a quiet room for a nap and try to regain some energy before trying to socialize again. OR, just head home all together and call it a day. OR, just decide not to go the morning of. It would usually take several days to several weeks to recover from any sort of gathering like that. So deciding whether or not I was going to attempt a holiday celebration was always shrouded with worry of over doing it, concern the days leading up to it wouldn’t go perfectly so I would have enough energy to even go, trying not to get my hopes up in case I needed to stay home the morning of, but yet, letting myself be a little excited at the thought of doing something normal. The fear of overdoing it and losing any progress I had made was very real and then spending days to weeks feeling miserable, just trying to get back to where I was prior to this activity. Oh, and let’s not forget constant need to be internally monitoring symptoms, any increase, however slight, and debating when to call it quits…ugh, I hated that. It was always a balancing act. There was also a level of guilt/remorse/sadness that I would always experience trying to go out and be normal. I’m not sure where the guilt came from, maybe a part of me always erred on the side of thinking, “you should have stayed home. Why would you even want to try to do something like this that could mess up your progress?” And the remorse of if I did overdo it, or someone bumped into me and it jostled my head, or I chatted too much. And then the sadness of the in-my-face reminder of what I once was and once enjoyed and how different it was…and how I would wish for my pre-accident self. It would always leave me a bit melancholy no matter how fun and fulfilling getting out was. ALL of this, just over getting together with family to celebrate a holiday. It was exhausting! Let’s not forget going through the motions of the actual holiday. I only bought the essentials when it came to gift buying. I kept it to my niece and nephews and one or two friends. That’s it. A., I wasn’t working, and I couldn’t afford anything and/or felt guilty for spending money that should have been going towards therapy; and B., I didn’t have the mental capacity to think of things to buy people, let alone shop, wrap and all that. The planning of even something as little as getting gifts was just too much. Planning took SOO much energy. Okay, fast forward to this year. I knew the few weeks leading up to Christmas were going to be insane. I had a last-minute trip to Texas the weekend of the 12th. I had a work-related community Christmas event that was put on at our facility the weekend of the 19th. And although I wasn’t a part of the planning and decorating, just being there the night of, I knew was going to push me pretty hard. And then I left for Montana the 21st to spend Christmas with my sister’s family. So when I say the few weeks leading up were crazy, I wasn’t joking (for what us brain injured folks would consider crazy anyway). Oh, and I had to work my normal hours I usually work during the week and get everything squared away and ready for me to be gone for a week and a half at my sister’s. But I made it. We got to Montana and I was still upright…even managed to walk around Walmart with my mom and sister for two-and-a-half hours when we got in. But let me tell you, doing all those things the few weeks prior and just the act of traveling 12 hours on planes and airports to get out here, the packing, the planning, the gift buying, it was all starting to catch up with me. Not to mention I always struggle with time changes and we have a two-hour difference. But I knew that was going to happen so I was ready for it. By now I know the ups and downs pretty well and can gauge fairly well where I’m at. Can I push more? Do I need to stop now? What does my body need in this moment? I had a few people that I actually saw early on in my healing journey here in Montana and when I come to visit, I always like to set up appointments with them. The first one is a health coach and she just got certified in EDS testing. so I said, sign me up! The day after I got here, I had an appointment with her. It was fascinating. I still don’t fully understand how it works but you hold a piece of metal that’s connected to a probe which is connected to her computer and using the probe to push on different acupuncture points, (because the acupuncture points are all connected to different parts of the body) it somehow measures the function of that particular part of the body and it can tell if there’s an issue there…if its sluggish, normal, or inflamed. I learned so much about my body with that appointment and it really gave me a deeper understanding of my next steps in my healing journey I need to take. So, super pumped about that! She suggested doing a procedure to synch the hemispheres of my brain, pituitary gland and heart as they can sometimes become out of synch (common with trauma), and the function of your brain, pituitary, heart and also your stomach can be compromised. Let me back up for a second. I knew my pituitary gland had been affected in my accident because my sphenoid bone was shifted to the right after the accident. (for those of you that don’t know, the pituitary sits in a little divot in the sphenoid bone so when that shifts, the pituitary gland can stretch, pull, and just be compromised.) I could write a whole thing just on this experience but this isn’t the point so I’ll keep it brief. I ended up having some trapped emotions surrounding my pituitary gland and we had to do a lot of emotional release work to even get to the place that she could perform the procedure. IT. WAS. EXHAUSTING. I knew the appointments could take their toll, but I wasn’t anticipating getting into that deep of stuff. The next day I had my appointment with my chiro…again, pretty exhausting. So here I am, trying to survive the holidays - 1,800 miles from home, with SO many exhausting things happening the three weeks prior to the actual holiday and then just all the craziness of the holiday. I’ve had to take naps the past five days, and that’s okay. I’ve struggled with the unpredictability of being in a house with 5 adults, 3 kids, 2 dogs and a cat…so there’s always some sort of noise going on. I’ve had to pick and choose which activities I want to participate in and when I need to just go rest in my room. The two-hour time difference has been a challenge. Any time my schedule, (especially eating and sleeping) gets a little out of whack, I struggle. If I let my diet slip multiple days in a row (and trust me, I have not been making the wisest food choices and I’m feeling it), that also plays a role in how I feel. So, I have to be very mindful of these things. It’s hard to do when all you want to be is normal…and be able to eat all the yummy comfort foods that come with holidays, and stay up late, and do all the activities and not have to worry about any of it. But it’s not all bad. Even though I’m still not 100%, I am so grateful where I’m at. With some mindfulness, self control and smart choices, I can better manage any flareups and this experience makes me more thankful for the moments I get to spend with my family and friends and to make them count. Patience was never a strong point for me, and I find my self feeling those frustrated feelings that I’m missing out because I have to take time for napping or resting. The guilt of putting myself and my needs first is lurking in the background, just looking for a chance to take over and control my mind. But I choose not to go there. This is the reality, and this is what I need to do to protect myself and my progress which then allows me to spend more time doing the things I love with the people I love. AND this year I actually was able to put some effort in to gifts and even sent some to a few old co-workers, friends and family…I’ll take that as a win! Do I miss the old me during the holidays? Yes. Do I still love the holidays? Yes. Do they come with new challenges? Yes. But I’m here. I’m surviving. I will continue to survive. And I will cherish each moment because life is short, and I choose to play the hand I was dealt like it was the hand I wanted. Merry Christmas!

-L

#braininjury#TBI#postconcussionsyndrome#pcs#concussion#holidays#invisibleinjury