FOURTH Bleeping Anniversary - 3/10/22

This is what an invisible injury looks like. My accident happened 1,460 days ago. Sure, I can talk about it casually. But I still can’t REALLY talk about it without crying. The term “traumatic brain injury” wasn’t something I ever thought too much about pre-accident. It was something that happened to people in stories in the news, it was something that happened to people in the movies. It never occurred that it was something that could happen to me. And then it did.

Oh, today. I could tell you that I have worked through all the trauma surrounding today, that I replaced the sadness with joy. That I now only think of happy thoughts leading up to and on this day or anytime I think of the accident. That I no longer mourn who I once was. That I always have peace in my heart when I think of the girl that changed my life so completely. But all that would be a lie.

I have been in a “I don’t want to” rut. I don’t want to have this injury anymore. I don’t want to have to travel halfway across the country AGAIN for another week of structural work. I don’t want to only work part time. I don’t want to read/listen to one more thing on brain injury/neck instability. I don’t want to have pain anymore…or to be cautious with what I do. I don’t want to have to remember to take my supplements. I don’t want to ever feel the sadness of missing a hobby I once loved or the realization that a hobby I’m just starting I have to modify in a very large way. I don’t want to have to work through the lingering grief, the walls I’ve built up. I don’t want to have to do the emotional work so my body can continue to heal physically…Need I keep going?

This time around, I surprisingly have not thought about today very much. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been so busy or what. But then a reminder will pop into my head and it’s a momentary jolt back to reality.

I woke up at 10:23 this morning. (don’t judge…I’ve had a rough last few weeks with sleeping…so I was catching up on some rest, haha.) As I looked at the time, I realized that in just a few minutes the accident would be happening four years ago to the minute. Oof. I sat for a moment and quickly got out of bed, determined to not let the sadness creep in.

As I started my day, with the accident on my mind, I started to ponder how I was going to respond the anniversary. There’s been much talk lately about reprogramming your mind to replace a negative experience with a positive one…giving your body/mind a new memory of a particular time/ circumstance. I decided I was going to do something special and try to do just that, turn the tables on today and create a happy memory. It was a good thought and all, but yeah…then life happened. Haha.

I didn’t give a whole lot of thought to it the rest of the day…Until I got in my car to go home from work. I glanced over at my dash. 6:23. My eyes froze, staring blankly at the numbers. Memories of the first night after the accident started playing vividly through my mind. I felt the tears behind my eyes and heavy emotion surging through every part of my body. I yanked my eyes of the clock and forced myself to put my car in reverse and pin my concentration elsewhere. I knew that if I let myself go there it would be opening pandora’s box.

I was lowkey pondering everything this evening (emphasis on the lowkey so I wouldn’t be reduced to a puddle of tears, haha) and something I’ve been trying to remind myself of this past week popped into my head; the phrase “I get to”.

A song was playing on the radio last week as I was driving. I don’t remember the title, but the lyrics were “I get to love you, it’s the best thing that I’ll ever do”…

Obviously, the whole phrase doesn’t pertain, but the part I was interested in was the concept of I get to. Yes, it was talking about love and who doesn’t “love” love so it’s an easy thing to do (for the most part…unless you’re with a turd then best of luck to you). However, the thought of “getting” to do something versus “HAVING” to do something smacked me right between the eyes (gently of course…for heaven’s sake, I have a brain injury.)

I’ve been so concentrating on the things that I HAVE to (or don’t WANT to do)…I HAVE to go halfway across the country for structural work. I HAVE to live with this injury. I HAVE to…I HAVE to…I HAVE to.

No, Laura…stop. I GET to.

The reality? Life is hard. Picking up the pieces after a life-altering injury is the most tedious thing I’ve ever done. The ups and downs, the pain, the frustration, the, at times hopelessness. But one thing remains true; we get to. And when it’s all boiled down, isn’t that what we want?

- L