Decisions, Guilt and All The Feelings - 5/23/21

This is what an invisible injury looks like…completely normal on the outside. My accident happened three years and seventy-nine days ago (or 1,174 days, if you want the more dramatic way of saying it.)

Sure, I can talk about it casually. But I still can’t REALLY talk about it without crying.

MIA part 1

Decisions, Guilt and All The Feelings.

So it’s been a little bit!

To catch you up, I need to go back eight weeks to start at the beginning of my “just barely hanging on” season that I’m currently still in.

In January of this year, I decided to breed my dog. And while I wanted to, I knew that everything I had going on this spring would stretch me thin, and then adding a litter of pups to it made me very hesitant to breed her. (“her” name is Dani.)

I ended up going for it, and mentally shuttered because I didn’t know how I would actually make it through. Dani’s due date was April 3rd…and I decided that future Laura would worry about it and promptly avoided thinking about it for a good month and a half. ; )

I had some testing done in December for some health/brain related stuff that I needed to have some follow up testing done in the beginning of March in South Dakota. I wasn’t able to make that happen, so in an effort to keep the course with this doctor, I made the decision to go the weekend before Dani was due. Being that this doctor is in South Dakota, I would be gone several days. The plan was to leave Thursday evening and come home Monday afternoon. I knew there was a possibility of Dani going early, but hoped and prayed she wouldn’t.

I’ve been intentionally getting to know someone (and I say it that way on purpose…because what is dating after a brain injury anyway? There’s no manual, so I call it that because the water remains a little muddy.) in South Dakota for 2.5 years now, and I had planned my trip so we could be together the whole time I was there for my doctor’s visit. His daughter was going to be with us. This was going to be my second opportunity to spend time with her, so it was a really big deal to me.

Anticipation was high the week leading up to when I was supposed to leave. I was so excited for this trip. Buuuuuttttt life had other plans.

The day before I was supposed to leave, Dani started acting different. I tried to ignore it because I didn’t want it to be a thing. At midnight, I saw a visible contraction. I immediately took her temperature and my heart sunk. It was low…meaning labor was in the near future. “Near future” means once the dog’s temperature drops, whelping will happen usually in the next 24 hours.

The next morning (the day I was supposed to be leaving, mind you) she was acting even funnier. I checked her temperature again with a different thermometer and this one read one degree different, but still in the range of labor was in the near future.

I went to town and bought two more thermometers hoping the ones I had were broken. And NOPE. Same.

I called the vet and had several conversations trying to decide what to do as my plane was taking off in approximately six hours at that point. I was a mess.

Before the accident I had a hard time with decisions, but after the accident it became even more difficult. I was especially torn in this situation. The timing was terribly off. This was a Thursday. If I left but she waited until the weekend, my friend could come up and deliver if need be. But if she went Thursday and I left, no one would be available to deliver. If she didn’t go until Sunday night, again, my friend wouldn’t be able to deliver. And my mom (who was watching her) DID NOT want to deliver the pups, and I can’t blame her.

I had originally thought that if she went into labor I could just hop on a flight and leave early and probably get there before she had the first pup… and my friend would monitor her until I got there…but turns out I didn’t take into consideration how expensive last minute flights are. And after some research, discovered it would have cost me about $1,200 to get a one-way flight home…if they had room on the plane. So that option was out the window.

And with that in mind, I couldn’t imagine not being there for my girl when she whelped. Dani means the absolute world to me. She came into my life at the perfect time. There’s no way I would have gotten through my injury without her. But that’s a story for another day.

The vet assured me that whelping was definitely going to happen within 24 hours and said to cancel my trip if I wanted to be there for her delivery. I knew they were right…if her temperature drop was accurate, that is.

My gut was telling me I needed to stay home, but my heart wanted to go.

I trusted my gut and picked up the phone to deliver the dreaded news to my guy. He took it well, but I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

I was beyond disappointed. Annoyed with myself for having taken the chance of booking a trip so close to her due date. Frustrated with not being able to see the doctor as his next appointment wasn’t available until July. Guilt for letting my guy down and ESPECIALLY knowing how disappointed his daughter would be. And feeling sadness because I just really missed them and was soo looking forward to seeing them.

I was weepy all day, second guessing my decision. Looking at the clock and sadly thinking, my flight would be leaving right now. A few hours later, I would be landing right now. WORST. DAY. EVER.

I kept watching for signs of her progressing. And nothing happened. At 6pm on Thursday night, she perked up. Her appetite came back. Her energy returned. I could not believe it.

Guilt, regret and second guessing my decision arrived on steroids. I felt like I had ruined the weekend. That I should have just chanced it and went. Was she even acting different, or I was just imagining it?

Friday, Saturday and Sunday came and went. No change.

My guy and I barely talked all weekend. I didn’t reach out because I felt so bad that I had wrecked the weekend and she didn’t even go into labor.

I was laying in bed around 11pm Sunday night, Dani was laying at the foot of my bed on the floor, and she randomly sat up and started panting. That’s not like her.

I noted it and kept on reading because I was like, okay, Dan…You fooled me on Thursday…and I don’t want to get my hopes up soooo we’re just going to play this cool.

She laid back down a few minutes later and all was well.

Ten minutes later she shot back up, panting. Now my interest was peaked. I took a video and sent it off to my sister and friend.

This went on for a good 45 minutes, and then she started digging. As soon as the digging started, I knew this time it was for real.

I tried to get as much sleep as I could, but she insisted on being as close to me as possible, and she was sooo uncomfortable…scratching, panting, digging, pacing but she would not leave my side.

Fast forward 14 hours and her first puppy was delivered at 1:30 Monday afternoon. And you guys, my flight home from South Dakota wasn’t supposed to land until 1:45 on Monday…and then I had an hour drive home.

Dani knew that I needed to stay home or I would miss the first 14 hours of labor and the first 3 pups being born. She knew that she would need my support and comfort. My gut instinct knew all that. But I second guessed from the moment I made the decision not to go.

I still feel disappointment thinking about missing out on that weekend with my guy and his daughter. My heart hurt when he told me that she cried and cried when he told her I wasn’t able to come. I for sure shed some tears over that bit of information. I never want to disappoint her. And I did. I never want to disappoint him. And I did.

But had I gone to South Dakota that weekend, I would have not been where I needed to be. And to think I almost ignored my gut instinct when it was screaming to me. I stressed and worried so much over this decision. I second guessed myself. I doubted. I beat myself up over and over knowing that I ruined our weekend plans. I scolded myself for not making the right decision. I was frustrated with Dani for “tricking” me into thinking she was going into labor.

I learned something valuable that weekend. Had I not let my doubt get in the way and my need to control the outcome of that weekend and if I would have stopped fighting against how life was happening, I could have calmly trusted Dani and my gut instinct. I could have given myself much more grace for making the best decision I could, with the information I had. I couldn’t read the future. But I do know that life happens how it’s supposed to. Sometimes it goes in our favor, sometimes it doesn’t. I would say I received it both ways that weekend. I missed out on my weekend trip, but it allowed me to be there when Dani needed me most.

So, the moral of the story is to stay calm. Stop fighting to control. Stop fighting against how life is happening. Stop being harsh to yourself. Stop allowing fear, regret and guilt to rule over your mind.

Start listening to your gut and what it’s trying to tell you. Trust the process in this thing we call life…one way or the other, it always works out.

- L

p.s. I was in a store the day after I was supposed to leave...and wouldn't you know it, I saw this shirt...so I HAD to buy it because I needed a reminder that weekend.